He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
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