I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
