Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize