I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
