Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
she woke up with a sticky ear
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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