i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
