So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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