dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
