Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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