Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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