Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
