I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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