What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
