i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
