Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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