It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
