I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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