i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
