I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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