Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
