I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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