All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Hippo gnu deer
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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