Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize