You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
