awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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