Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
