Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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