Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
