I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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