i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
