i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
