Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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