You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
