I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
