Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize