when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
