just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
