you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
