Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
