Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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