she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize