omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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