You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
