already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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