I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Your cock deserves a montage
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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