dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
