Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
