I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
