how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
