Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
