Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
