OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
