I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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