I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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