lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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