I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
