I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
