happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
