now i know why i became what i already was.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
