we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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