if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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